I made a lot of promises to myself at the beginning of the year.
I was going to move out.
I was going to get started on my future dream job.
I was going to start my Master’s Degree.
These were the top of my list.
Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to realise a lot of these goals. I’ve made some steps towards them but something always seems to get in the way. I know life rarely goes how we plan it but honestly, it’s been tough.
My things for moving out, for example, sit in a corner of the dining room. That’s where I sit when I’m on my computer so I feel as though they are mocking me, silently judging me for not sticking to my word. Moving out is a big thing and I’m gearing myself up to it, but maybe I’ve spent too much time mulling over it and just need to do it. Regardless, it shall happen. I am resolved to do so even if things aren’t working out as I hoped.
My future dream job is self-employment at my very own therapy centre – a place where weary souls can relax and receive all the love and support they need to get through the week, month, year. I want to create a safe haven where people can find rest from their busy days and not have to worry about stuff. It’s a big goal and honestly, the way things have been going lately, I may need to visit one of these “havens” myself.
I had applied to a university in Australia (and got in, yay!) but then the scholarship fell through so I have to find another school here to study at (plan B – still yay… sort of). I was prepared for this so I’m not too worried about applying and getting in. I can get a student loan to study and facilitate said loan with whatever job I have after I graduate. This plan is still in the works and by September, I should start my studies. That’s the plan at least.
These were the top plans on my list and everything was going swell… until life got in the way, as it usually does. I hear some of you saying it comes down to poor planning and it probably does. There’s something to be said about having a solid plan so things like life don’t really deter you. I agree.
But then again there are times there’s only so much you and your human abilities can do. Besides the crippling fear of moving out (which I’m still battling), there’s my job which, while I am grateful for, I feel very meh about. Lately I’ve been going through the motions, doing work because it’s been given to me and doing it so it gets done. This is not the right attitude, I know, but there doesn’t seem to be any sparks left.
My father and I have a difference of opinion on what could be the matter in this case and what it is that is making me so unable to cope with stuff in general. But we both agree on one thing – I need help.
This is a hard place to reach, especially since I have studied Psychology and feel like it’s my duty to help others. It’s pretty easy for my thoughts, my feelings, my opinions to fall by the wayside. I don’t communicate very clearly through spoken word and most often, I am misunderstood (which I also need to work on), but I try. So, with that false sense of security in believing the world is what needs fixing, not myself, I ignore, overlook and forget that I am just as human as anyone on the planet.
I too need a sounding board to vent at and cry on and speak to. I also long to be understood and heard and listened to. I also need to take care of myself especially if I plan on taking care of others. And I have ignored it for so long that it’s become a problem.
My point is, finally after all this ranting, that it’s important to know who you are, to understand yourself and your limitations, your shortcomings and your potential. It’s vital to understand the changes and shifts in emotion and your internal environment. It’s imperative that you have a place to go, a thing to do, that helps you sit back, take a look and think. It’s most important, though, that you understand at what point things have gotten out of hand.
And then it’s of utmost importance to put your pride aside and seek that help.
One thing I’ve learned repeatedly over my semi-adult life is that pride is overrated and everyone needs help. There is no shame in it.
No man is an island. Nobody has it all together and even those that do are facing down their own set of demons. Life is hard and thank the good Lord that we don’t have to go it solo. I’m thankful to have such wonderful friends around me to help point out to me when I can’t see what I’m missing.
And just as I am there for them, I know they are there for me. I can’t say that all my problems will go away in a flash. I can’t say that I’ll face down every demon that blocks my path. I can’t say that I have all the answers – I don’t. But I’m willing to admit when I’ve been knocked down and I’m having difficulty getting up.
And that is perhaps one of the bravest things any of us will ever do.