Change, My Dears…

The year is now down to about a day and a few hours. There’s not much left of 2017. This was a pretty good year, now that I think about it. It’s been full of good times, interspersed with bad ones… it’s been a year of discovery.

I even started up this blog – and kept it going for a whole year! This is one of my proudest achievements.

It was also an election year for Kenya and a lot of things have gone wrong because of that. Because of the tensions, not many deals went through. Not a lot of businesses prospered this year either. There were a lot of public holidays towards the end which was nice in a way, but not everyone would see it that way.

I turned a year older. I saw another year go by and celebrated making it the full 365 days around. Now I’m 4 months past that and still doing sort of well. I have also been to a couple of doctors, but nothing major is wrong with me, so I guess I can be thankful for that – and for the advances of modern medicine. A lot of us would have died a lot sooner if we were born a couple of hundred years ago.

I’ve made new friends and made changes to my life I like. I started going to the gym and kept at it (although admittedly, I’ve gotten a bit lazy over the Christmas break(-_-#) and I’ve made a few changes here and there. I love the woman I see in the mirror now. Unconditionally. She is beautiful and she is loved. She makes mistakes and takes some things too seriously, but that makes her entirely human.

This morning, my mum asked me what my new year resolution is.

Honestly, I don’t have one. I don’t know if I really want to make one. What I have instead are plans. I have a lot of those.

I plan to finish my 5-year-old fan fiction story. I was faced with a mountain of writer’s block and the inspiration for it just petered out into nothing for almost three whole years before I got myself together. I suppose that could be one resolution; to finally lay it to rest and give it the ending it deserves. Not to brag, but it’s a pretty good story.

I plan to enrol in a university for my Master’s degree. Whether in Nairobi or abroad is yet to be determined, but I plan to get it done anyway. I need to move on with what I want to do and the world isn’t going to wait for me to catch up. It’s moving forward without me and if I don’t grab my chance, I may be missing the opportunities of a lifetime. And, as the Doctor said, no one cares, just get on with it.

I have no idea what the new year is bringing. I just have an idea that it’s going to be interesting. I don’t know in what ways. In between these plans will be other days – days when I just go through the motions, bad days, okay days, days where nothing is really happening, days when I don’t feel like really going anywhere or doing anything…

If my plans go well, a lot will change for me and I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this, but change is scary. Like, debilitatingly scary. Sometimes, I don’t even think about change because then I go into a sort of downward spiral. What if it all goes wrong and I get stranded without a place to go? What if the change is more than I can handle? What if…

But change is good. Even with the Doctor’s advice, change is still a monster. A great big wild card that could lead to complete failure or a new and wonderful thing. And anything is game.

Even as I cower in fear and try to give myself a pep-talk, the one thing that keeps me going is that honestly, life is being lived. The world keeps turning and people move on. We grow and develop at exactly the pace we were intended to. Nothing is really out of place. And change also has a place in our lives. No one has the time table and what determines change is ourselves in part and rest by the world around us and how we define our place in it.

Someone is no longer in our lives and someone new is. If no one is, we learn to live without them and with ourselves instead. Leaving a place where you’ve always lived to find another is also good. You’re occupying a space someone else left. Getting a new job is exciting. Having a baby is exciting I imagine. Getting married and starting a life together should be wonderful. A lot of things are going on everywhere in the world and if this year has taught me anything, it’s to really go for what I want.

And as I do so, I’m aware that things will begin to change. Because I went to the gym, my body began to slowly change. Because I decided to get writing again, I realised that my writing style had changed – but also that the world for me seemed a little better; and that I love writing. I have purpose now. Because I’m determined to get my Master’s I’ll have to change my schedule again to include my classes. I may even have to move to a different country.

Because I have done things I’m proud of this year, I’m different from the woman I was going into 2017. And I’m happy about it because I can wave 2017 away with no regrets. I did all the things I wanted and all the ones I felt I had to. I made a lot of changes in my life and I can truly say, 2017 was one of the really, really good years of my life.

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