I realised that a lot of my personal inhibitions and reservations hold me back from taking risks.
I mean, I understand why I wouldn’t want to risk jumping out into traffic on a busy major highway blindfolded or risk yelling at my boss when he winds me up, but those aren’t the kind of risks I’m talking about.
It’s no secret the fascination I have with Doctor Who and the Whoniverse in general. I love all things Who (and definitely can’t wait for the Christmas special! *squeal*). So when I ran into this picture, there was no way it wasn’t going to affect me in some way:
Peter Capaldi is the Doctor who taught me that I should accept the Doctor for who he is, not what he looks like. This is the Doctor that has been a mentor for me. Unlike his fun and bouncy predecessor who was my first interaction with the series, this Doctor was grave and serious even though he was eventually the quirky lovable alien we all (Whovians, that is) know and love.
Since I have held this Doctor in that esteem, it would make sense then that I would glean some wisdom from the actor that plays him as well. It also really helps that he’s dressed as the Doctor so double points for that.
Now, unlike any other quote from any other character on any other show, this one resonates with me personally. It speaks to the scared little me inside who looks at everything I do with a severely critical eye and cowers when I come across a mistake or an error that will get someone upset with me in some way.
I constantly worry that I am crap at a lot of things. I worry that I am an absolute failure at “adulting”, at “boyfriending” and at just “being” in general. For the last two or so years, I’ve tried to get myself unstuck and somehow, with a lot of help, I’ve managed to feel something like my old self. I wasn’t able to write at all last year and now I’m working on seven writing projects at once. Progress.
I’m thoroughly worried I can’t do a lot of things. I’m afraid I won’t be able to survive out there on my own. I’m scared I’ll go out there and the world will be much bigger and scarier than I thought it would be and I won’t make it. I’m scared I won’t make much of myself. One thing I know is that I live a pretty average life. In some cases it’s above average but it more or less evens out.I’m most afraid that that is all I will ever be and that average life will be all I have to show at the end of it… just a lot of meh.
Failure is a big fear for me. I am a first-born. I am supposed to be the first – the leader, the example for others to follow. But what kind of example will I be if I fail? I can’t fail at life, people will look up to me and if I do, I will be less than I am now… that’s what I think. I constantly feel the need to do good, to be right, to do well, to succeed; even in my averageness… And failing is a big part of the reason I don’t even try in the first place. The failure means a crushing defeat that it takes me way too long to recover from, something I really need to work on.
So I found this quote and it’s currently sitting on my desktop. Every time I come across something that makes me feel less about myself; especially a chapter I’m afraid to post because I’m afraid of reviews, I see this quote and I think, “you know what? Let’s do this!” And it works. I post up another one. I write another chapter. I look at what I have and I forge forward anyway. All the blank pages that screamed at me before are now filled with words – my words, my writing, because the Doctor told me to just get on with it.
And in getting on with it, while I haven’t really received the positive reaction I intended, it’s way easier to get over that and fill another page and another. Because this time, as much as I want my audience to enjoy my work, I’m filling up the pages for me too. I’m fulfilling my need to write. And the more I write and get my stuff out there, the more reviews I’ll get. The more reviews I get, the better I can gauge my audience, learn what they like and improve my writing.
This is what this quote has done for me. I’m about to publish my first app. It may be rubbish, but I’ll do it anyway. I can improve on it and build it up from there. I have an Episode game out (here) and I’ve been sort of consistent with updates (coding is no joke!). I’ve started writing a vampire story, a trilogy actually (yes, vampires) and I have the covers and outlines and everything. And yes, vampires are over-done, but my vampires haven’t been written yet so I want to and I will.
It may not amount to much in the end. My stories may never get to J.K. Rowling standards. I may never have movies made or sign deals with major publishers – but that’s okay. I won’t regret never writing the stories in the first place. I will write and share and keep doing what I love because it makes me happy and because my world is a little better because I was a little braver.