I feel insecure – like all the time.
Well, maybe not all the time. It’s better now that I’ve accepted a few things about myself. I’ve acclimated to who I am and what I can bring to a table. I am aware of my likes and dislikes, of my yearnings, my dreams and those things that could potentially hold me back.
But right this minute, I definitely feel insecure.
I’ve mentioned more than once that I’m a hopeless romantic. I am one of those people who goes looking for a movie based on the main characters’ first kiss.
(I confess, even at this stage in my life that, as magical as a kiss sounds, I still don’t get what all the fuss is about. In my defence, all I have for reference is my first kiss and it was pretty awful (-_-#))
I was watching “The Bride of Habaek” this evening and got to a particularly steamy kiss. This is my favourite part in any romantic series/movie. This is the part where the hero and heroine finally decide, “yes. This is happening and we both want it and it’s beautiful.”
And I have to admit, from where I sit, it’s pretty darn perfect.
The trouble is, most of these shows (if not all) are a sugar-coated, honey glazed version of life. The characters are all heading towards the author’s/creator’s pre-determined ending and it is more often than not, pretty happy.
There is no divorce after ten years of marriage because of a cheating spouse. There is no murder-suicide. There is no loneliness and struggle within the institution of marriage. There is no permanent damage done – not unless it furthers the plot.
And here is where I come in. I feel like I’m stuck at the beginning of a drama. This is the part where we’re shown the hero and/or heroine in their current states. This is where they are introduced to the audience before they meet in some grand, comedic way (that will help endear them to each other and the audience later on in the story. The meeting is step 2.
And I am still on step 1.
It can get super depressing when you put yourself in the middle of humanity and see that everyone truly does have someone. That friend is married. That one is engaged. That one got married last year and just had a baby…
It’s easy to feel like life is leaving you behind. It’s easy to drown yourself in dramas and movies, dreaming of they days when a prince/knight-in-shining-armour/cliche rich guy/popular guy/mr. right will come swooping in and carry you off on his white horse/dragon/expensive car/yacht and you will live happily ever after.
The ideal is fed to us and the ideal, being so darn perfect, is what we hope to achieve in the future. I recently realised that there is so much more to marriage than meets the eye (of the singleton). I was listening to the Hamilton soundtrack (I super recommend this!) and I realised that, for all the good things they do, the heroes in our history are all just human.
Hamilton’s wife had to contend with his cheating – and she forgave him (a feat in my book). Abraham, the father of Israel was, sad to say, something of a con-artist. Jacob was too. Joseph gloated. David cheated (and was an accessory to murder – I think that’s the correct term). Kings, queens, presidents, mayors, chiefs, people… that’s a lot of humanity to go through in the last so many thousand years. And that’s a whole lot of mistakes.
And some of these people, facing nations, kings, crowds and countries, felt insecure, vulnerable and afraid. Just like me. I hear you, I’m not facing the business end of a gun. I’m not fighting for a nation. I’m not garnering peace in the world. I’m not standing up for the trees (well, not literally at this precise moment). I’m just facing down normal and very human insecurities.
Back to the kiss. I have noticed something of a trend. Whether it comes as a surprise or as a slow build into the act, the kiss always has a few elements (in K-drama anyway): The waist grab, the face touch, the surprised face, easing into it, happiness.
And every time I see these things combine into something beautiful, I sigh with happiness that the story is going well. My emotional investment in it is not in vain.
Then the insecurities begin.
I’m not that slim – how would a guy’s arms get around my waist? Gosh, they seem to be enjoying it… but what’s so good about smushing lips together (I only have one reference, as I mentioned)? I’m so happy for them… but when will I find that kind of happiness too?
It’s at times like these that I have to channel my inner #bossbabe and rise up. I have to make a stand for myself. I am not falling behind. I am on time. I am not late. I am on course. There is so much ahead of me and romance is just one small aspect of my life that, much as I’d love to, I can’t (read shouldn’t) spend 3/4 of my life focusing on.
There’s so much more that life has to offer and if I keep focusing on the hearts and chocolates, I might very well end up screwing up my chances of “happily ever after” in the end. It creates unrealistic expectations. It ruins what could otherwise be a happy life. It brings about some major depression if not put into perspective. It is addictive and no less destructive.
Everything has a time and a place. Everything is falling into place whether you are aware of it or not. The universe is unfolding as it should. There is no need to worry about tomorrow – we can worry about it tomorrow. There is no need to look sadly back at yesterday – there is no way to change it. The only thing we can change is now. (pardon the cliché – I guess #bossbabe is a motivational speaker :D)
So, if we rise above that which makes us feel inferior, if we learn what to push aside and what to focus on in the here and now, if we become confident in ourselves and who we truly are, if we face down fears and enemies of progress, if we can manage to do any one of these things and strive to do the rest, then I think we are capable of doing great things.